I want to run away and be by myself. I feel claustrophobic. I want everyone to shut up and leave me alone with my music and my books and my Internet. I want to be happy again.
I know that this theme keeps popping up in the blog every few months. I try to keep it to a minimum, sharing only my happy and funny phases but it's getting harder to bottle up. No one wants to hear about all that angst all the time right?
I feel like my dreams and slipping through my fingers and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to whine. I don't want to complain and mostly, I just want to be 'normal', what ever that means.
Most days I feel this intense need to block out the world with music; to pretend that I'm all alone and that I don't have to interact with people. I just want to do my work in peace and not be bothered by fucking paperwork, politics or that damned opened-mouth-chewing-thing going on at the table next to mine. My temper is mostly in check nowadays but sometimes I can feel it bubbling right under, ready to explode, even for the slightest of things. It's fucking scary to know that you want to choke someone to death just for breathing wrong and you can actually carry it out if it wasn't for the little troublesome fact of prison and death sentence.
Other days, I just want to curl up with my book and pretend that the world doesn't exist. I just want to stay in this perfect little world I created in my head; a world where there's no wars, where my mother isn't sick, where I don't get panic attacks or worry that my sisters may not get to go to college because I was selfish and had all that opportunity to myself, where all my damn experiments work, where I'm happy all the fucking time.
It's fucking tiring to pretend to be happy, to smile like there's nothing wrong in your life, and I'm tired of pretending.
So, if you know me in real life and you've read the the above entry, let's not discuss this entry ok? I don't want to talk about it. Thank you.
Now move along.
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