So, my mum had her mastectomy on Monday but she's at home now, resting and emptying the drainage tube thing every 12 hours. Every one's asking how she is. She looks fine; as fine as anyone who just went through a major surgery where THEY REMOVED THE WHOLE FUCKING BREAST! Then the ask me how I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I'm thankful for their concern and shit but what do you expect me to say? That everything is fine and dandy? That it's all rainbows and sunshine from here on?
Let me be honest and tell you what I really, really feel. Imagine this, your mum is perfectly healthy for a middle-aged woman and then one day she finds a lump. She only tells you that she's going for a surgery to remove said lump (which you of course only knew about on that exact same moment) a week before the surgery. Then they find that it's cancerous and it'll spread of they don't remove the remaining tissue.
Basically, I feel like shit. I can't help with anything. I tried to help her with the drainage and stuff but I couldn't bear to see her in pain. And the blood. Oh. My.God. The blood.
I'm expected to be strong and all that but most of the time I'm scared. I want to cry but it'll just upset my mother and everyone else in the house so I make stupid jokes and try to ignore everything else. I want to scream and cry. I want to ask why.; why does this happen? Why? I know that breast cancer happens but I never thought it'll be so close to home. It makes me want to storm into my boss' office and scream at him, "Why can't you do something?" Not like it'll help or anything. He's a scientist, not God.
I have rage issues. When an uninformed colleague said to enjoy my holiday after text-messaging me a work-related question, it makes me what to go back to the office, strangle her and bang her head repeatedly on to the sharp edge of the table, all the while screaming I'M AT THE HOSPITAL BITCH! MY MUM'S IN SURGERY! SHE COULD DIE AND I DON'T WANT HER TO DIE!
So, am I fine? You be the judge of that. And the next person to ask me how I am will die a very horrible death at my hands.